Mary Kate Olson was hospitalized today. Indeed, hospitalized. I don’t really care enough to find out exactly why she was hospitalized, but I bet it was for looking like a psychotic lemur with an ice cube up its ass. Tragically, there is no cure for Psycholemurassiceitis. Except eating, and god knows she’ll never do that.

Never.

Then: Kayne West burst into hysterical tears onstage, unable to continue a performance, and had to be carried offstage again, and all, of course, because his mother was just killed by a criminal plastic surgeon, and there’s nothing funny about that. At all. So siree Bob.

In other horrible news: Denis Quaid’s wife gave birth to twins, then the hospital promptly poisoned them with an overdose of some horrible substance that made them bleed out every orifice like tragic Ebola victims and there is nothing funny about this either. Jesus.

In other babies: Scott Baio just had his very first child at age 45. It is the first 45 year old child on record in this country. Of course Russians have 45 year old children all the time.

Then again: Owen Wilson was so happy that he isn’t all suicided and everything that he went to the beach and went swimming. He wore a lovely pair of blue swimming trunks, 12 extra pounds, matching wrist scars and some blond model that he’s definitely not just using to rebound on Kate Hudson. Really.

God it sucks being a celebrity right now. I’m telling you.

Also, George Clooney, who hates Fabio almost as much as I do (Damn you Fabio!), was riding his motorbike and everything right? And all of these freaktards from TMZ or whatever are all chasing him, and he gets off and starts screaming junk at them like, “How many laws did you break, pal? … You cut me up. … How many people did you put in danger? You drove like a maniac down here. At least understand that you’re putting people in danger …I’ve been down on a motorcycle and the last thing I want to do is get thumped. Gimme your license number!” and made them feel all bad and they appologised and like the entire time he was screaming he was just SO fucking HOT. Like, oh. My. God.

Scorching.

Adrian Ryan

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