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Amy Winehouse has been indefinitely detained by Her Majesty’s Most Royal Board of Human Health and General Wild Animal Welfare or something in a desperate attempt to prevent the possible spread of contagions like rabies and other diseases and/or parasites (up to and including her boyfriend) that are undoubtedly carried by the enormous packs of wild and feral dogs that have lately begun to swarm around the dissolving singer, apparently to lick the bloody horrible bloody festering bloody heroine holes weeping between her toes. An unidentified cockney flower girl who witnessed the scene tells us, “Garn! Blimey! Bangers-n’-Mash! Gol! Coo!”, and was then hopefully torn apart by the packs starving of dogs. (Fucking flower girls.)

These events are in no way expected to disabuse Ms. Winehouse of her prodigious and now suddenly infamous “horse” habit, nor even slow it down one little bit, as it is widely understood that Amy Winehouse possess the diabolical power to suck heroine supernaturally from everyday objects like toilets or mascara wands, and even out of the empty either itself, if her insatiable veins have already sucked up all handy toilets and mascara wands. Ahem. Satan, of course, was busy ejaculating into George Bush’s mouth and was unavailable for comment.

There is still no word on what action the British government plans to take to address Amy’s maggots, tapeworms and flies.

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