The fight between Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Barry Manilow began earlier this month at the so-called VMAs I think, when they spatted over their mutual ex-
girlfriend Pamala Anderson’s refusal to appear on The View or something. And now the creepy old raisin and little blonde uber bitch are preparing to settle their big hairy beef, Vegas style!

A source reports that Hasselbeck and Manilow’s respective “people” have given world famous fight promoter Jimmy LaPalma Dinero Castorini Gandolfini LaPalma the green light to book the Wintergarden Celebrity Kickboxing Arena for what’s being billed as “The Greatest Live Fight Since Freddy Kruger Took On Mothra”, and tickets are already selling in record numbers.

“This is a total K-O deal here, it’s all or nothing,” sas LaPalma. “They’re gonna throw blows and trade kicks and sweat and hang all over each other and sweat until one of them is knocked out or passes
out or dies. The winner don’t get nothing, but the loser has to fuck Rosie O’Donnell. The whole thing is really kinda erotic when you think about it. Except the
Rosie O’Donnell part.”

“I’ll kick that old faggot’s ass!” said Hasselbeck. e

“Where am I? Is it pudding time?” said Manilow.

In a completely unrelated story: Kidd Rock and Tommy Lee confirm rumors that they are secret gay lovers! “We knew it was love the moment we first looked into each other’s butt holes,” reports Kidd Rock in a recent Rolling Stone interview. “Mmmm”, said Tommy Lee, as some Kidd Rock sperm dribbled down his chin. The couple met on The View.

In other news: Madonna has officially and irrevocably turned into the Jewiest Jew Who Ever Jewed. She met this week with the Prime Minister of Israel (the one
that isn’t in a coma), to whom it is reported that she said, “Oy! Yentl, Yentl, Barbara Streisand! Kvetch, kvetch, goym! I hate Hitler SO MUCH, so very Jewish I am!!” to which the Prime Minister responded, “Oy! You should eat something already…this is from healthy, such skinniness?” The very Hebrew pair of them then rushed off, hand-in-hand, singing “Dradle, dradle, dradle!”, to plot all the world’s wars. Mel Gibson is, understandably, furious. And drunk and insane. Maybe. Probably. Maybe.

Definitely.

by Adrian Ryan

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