Britney Spears’ alleged MOTHER (who is not a jackal, oddly enough) has been signed and/or contracted to write a book. Indeed, a word book. In English. It’s supposedly “Lynne Spears’ personal story of raising high-profile children while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community”, and all of the best sources confirm that she thinks it is going to be some kind of guide to….ahem…parenting. PERENTING! And, perhaps even more blasphemously, it’s being published by a specifically. CHRISTIAN. Publisher. As in Christ. Jesus Christ. Who, when reached for comment, said, “Whoa, whoa, WHOOOOA, man! I don’t got NOTHING to do with THAT mess! Keep me out of it, man!” 

Jesus is, of course, Hispanic.  

In completely related news: The so-called “Lohan family” has allegedly been booked to star in their own reality TV show. Filming for the series, which will be shown on E!, is set to begin on Oct. 30 in New York, Dina Lohan, who is the mother I guess, will serve as executive producer, and I just threw my fucking TV out the window and shot the cable guy. I’m sure you understand.  

Elsewhere: Experts have long postulated that Danny Bonaduce is a “grower not a shower”. And they agree that and at least as ugly as a box of Chihuahua assholes in a blender. There suspicions were horribly confirmed last night as Danny Bonaduce drove an entire audience of horny people to totally hysterical blindness at San Francisco’s infamous annual Erotic Exotic Ball by storming the stage and revealing—against all advice and logic—his terrible orange and hairy completely naked self!  

Yes, God help us all, the man stripped quite nude, and revealed to the world his tragic, tragic, little (little, little!) wiener, which witnesses agree “looked like a deformed mouse nose nestled in a bright orange nest of steel wool.” You’ll have to Google the matter if you want to see the photos, as our insurance underwriters insist we are not quite covered for the psychological devastation they will cause. You understand.  

Right?  

Adrian Ryan

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