Alright. I’m ready to talk about it know, I think. Pardon me if I break into hysterical sobs and run screaming from the room. Which I will. Thank you.

Now, you see a lot of crazy shit when you report on the comings and alleged goings of that bizarre universe that is celebrite. I’d I’ve been walking this sick beat a long time. I’m no giggling freshman. But, nothing—not Boy George chaining a hooker to a wall, not, well, You Know Who snorting coke off night club toilets—could have prepared me for this.

Playboy has asked the Olsen Twins to pose for them. The Olsen Twins. Nude. Both of them. Together. Naked. With no clothes on. Bones poking out all janky in all directions and only GOD knows WHAT where the breasts would be on a human creature. And the legs! And the butts! And the…oh my lord in heaven…the…the…well, OLSEN PUBES. All exposed. This is not a joke. This is not a drill. This is really happening.

Our children are in peril!

Here are the alleged “facts”:

“(Hugh Heffner) has attempted to woo Mary-Kate and Ashley to disrobe in Playboy since they turned 18, and he’s now launched a renewed bid to tempt them out of their clothes for a special celebratory photo shoot.”

I’m sorry. I am simply psychologically incapable of further comment. Just praise whatever god you believe in that they’ve turned the old fool down…so far. Now please wash that horrible image out of your brain with this (it’s about a real prince!):

“Young Prince Harry, fresh from his tour of duty fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan, tells the Press Association, “Hopefully (my mother) would be proud…She would be looking down having a giggle about the stupid things that I’ve been doing, like going left when I should have gone right, finding myself in an awkward position earlier today.”

Well! Stupid things, indeed sir! Turning left when one should indeed have turned right! Isn’t that a jolly pip in the ass! Quite a wit, those British royals. Har har! Watch out, there now! He might break out with a knock-knock joke…or a saucy limerick!

The prince is just WICKED with a saucy limerick!

Humor, thy homeland is not England.

Adrian Ryan

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