Reality TV has done horrible, horrible things. The tragic and far-reaching damage that reality TV has wrought upon mankind, our culture, our evolution, and our destiny may take centuries—millennia!—to fully grasp. If, that is, it doesn’t manage to end all life in the Universe first. And no, I’m not JOKING.

It was all a Republican conspiracy, naturally. All of the very worst things are. But especially reality TV—that was REALLY the Republicans. See, they realized during one of those secret “think tank” thingies they are always having in their hidden underground lair that the only real threat to their complete totalitarian control over the capitalist slaves of America was celebrities. And celebrities are quirky, outspoken, capricious and unpredictable. Only a few of them have ever been totally under Republican control (Ron, Arnold, Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stalone, Mrs. Garret from “Facts of Life”). The rest? Loose cannons! Trouble! So the obvious answer? Destroy the celebrities. How? By destroying celebrity. And thus was hatched their cleverest evil plan since the invention of the Drive –Thru, WAL MART, and FOX.

They realized that there is no better way to destroy celebrity as an institution than to make every booger-eating, ass-scratching, wife-beating moron a star. Thusly would the dazzling, entrancing, beloved image of celebrity be diminished, tarnished, soiled and sullied….and inevitably completely destroyed, leaving the way clear for the dark forces and their continued destruction of everything. So they bought all the networks they didn’t already control and VOILA! Reality TV was born, and spread like the clap in a locked whorehouse. And so here we are. It’s all screamingly obvious when you think about it.

So in all this madness and confusion, we have begun to idolize fools, whores and criminals—-not the beautiful or talented or brilliant or skilled as nature intended. Gone are the Hollywood Gods that inspired a century and captured the imaginations of the world—today all we have to look up to are rich-for-nothing retards with bleeding septums, maggot-gnawed genitalia and impending court dates. And that’s just Paris Hilton. And just when you thought we had hit the rockiest of rock bottom—the very zenith and nadir of cultural depravity—-no! Wait! An even lower place! And yes, God help us, there is an even lower place. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gummy Bear, “Perez Hilton” and Hunk Hogan’s Kid. Let’s explore.

First it’s important to note that none of these fools has anything directly to do with reality TV—they are merely its toxic waste; the first terrible wave of its result. The first tragic karma of our lowbrow sensitivities. They are, for instance, famous for nothing. Worse than that, they are fat and rather hideous. And yet, the world obsesses about them like they were Jackie fucking O’s new shoes. Check it out:

“Gummy Bear” (aka Some Fat Rich Guy)

“Gummy Bear” (as some site called TMZ.com I’ve never heard of calls him) is hands down (way down) most revolting hellbeast ever associated with celebrity. For reasons evil and unfathomable, the celebrity press has taken to giving the scabby fatmonster mounds of attention. His worthiest accomplishments to date, however, are being loosely acquainted with Paris Hilton and not being able to contain the gallons of infected puss that squirts from his orifices at odd moments. A source reports: “The open wounds on his legs became infected and wont’ heal, and causing “weeping” sores that spread all over his body, back and legs.” Also, if he got any fatter Richard Simmons would have to cut him out of his room with a chainsaw, his teeth have attained a shade of yellow usually reserved for hepatic Ethiopians, and Donald trump called and really wants his hair back. A star is born!

Hulk Hogan’s Kid

The child of a retired wrestler?!? No WAY! How rare! How special! How divine! His most notable accomplishment to date? Crashing horribly and not being quite so fat or revolting as Gummy Bear. He crashed or whatever sometime last week, and suddenly…BAM! He’s everywhere. He haunts my life. I have to TRY to ignore him. And God, how I want to. I don’t know whether to just turn the TV off, or shoot myself. Both probably.

Lastly, and I mean lastly, we have…

“Perez Hilton” (aka Rita Lupita Gomez Consuelo Jose Rodriguez Big Homo Fatty Pants Gomez Gomez Pilar Gomez Castro)

“Perez Hilton” resembles what would be left over should a drag queen pork itself in the ass all night with a package of Johnsonville Brats. Also, he’s a fat gay Cuban. This pitiful and untalented comrade has somehow managed to finagle bitching about celebrities into a totally disproportionate celebrity of his very own—and he’s getting fatter by the nanosecond to celebrate. Why he’s famous, why anyone cares is anyone’s guess, and a testament to the tragic state of celebrity in general. Plus, no one should ever pay attention to fat people. It’s just a law of nature. While his uninspired online bitchings should be the natural extent of his reach, MTV has decided to give him his own show, which is a testament to the tragic state of MTV in general. But I’m sure deep down inside he longs for the day he can leave all of this glitzy madness behind and go safely back to his favorite hobby—rolling around in white flour and trying to find the wetspots. Hasten the fucking day.

By Adrian Ryan

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