Now forgive me, but I swear that I was flipping through the channels yesterday and I saw something about Gary Coleman getting arrested for smacking around his new teen bride, but dammit! I can’t find a word about the story anywhere! Weird.

Please to note that this doesn’t mean the event didn’t happen. It just means that the story no longer exists. (At least I can’t find it.) Tres bizarre.

Strange things like this have happened before–some SCANdalous bit of news about a celebrity (if we can call Mr. Coleman a celebrity—he’s more of a grumpy Tootsey Pop, but he’s not here to defend himself, so I shouldn’t be so rude) breaks and suddenly POOF! The story is gone. It evaporates. It ceases to exist. The same thing happened when some guy claiming to be Eminem’s ex-boyfriend came forward with pictures and videos and a whole cache of alleged evidence to support his claims of their amorous buggery (which means “butt sex”), but, as I said, POOF! The story just vanished the next day. It was creepy. And rather alarming. I’m not ruling out Illuminati involvement. They might even be watching me right now.

Um…maybe you should forget I said anything about all that. And did I say Eminem? I meant Donny Osmond. Honestly.

Anyway, I think that at this juncture it is irrelevant if Gary is beating his wife or not, because, frankly, he will. That dude’s nuttier than a squirrel poop and angrier than a hive of coked-up bees—he’s sure to explode all over her at any moment. Poor girl. I hope she has strong knee caps.

In other “news” (bwahahaha!): A whole bunch of really famous people went to Ashton Kutcher’s birthday party, and now they are going to DIE. Or, their livers are. It has been reported that Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow and Salma Hayak and of COURSE Bruce fricking Willis (the old turd) were in attendance, and they were all served by a man who had Hepatitis A. The Board of Heath is all aflutter, and is sending out urgent communiques to the stars urging them to get their poop checked. Except for Madonna, of course, who contracted the disease while having sex with one or more barnyard animals circa 1983. Everyone knows that.

Adrian Ryan

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