DC: Holy shit, you’re Suri Cruise!!! But how…you’re like… what? A year old? Why do you talk like an aging man who’s been smoking his entire life?

SC: (walks up to DC and pulls a gun out) I need you to remain calm, or I will be forced to do something that you might not live to regret.

DC: Oh, fuck! Please, I don’t want to die. I’ll do anything! Please!

SC: (cold-cocks DC with the butt of the gun) I need you to do what you do best. I need you to interview me.

DC: (throws up, still weeping) Thanks for having me here.

SC: That’s better, bitch.

DC: Your parents—there’s seems to be a lot of fuss over their relationship. Is your mom truly happy? Is your dad the controlling freak that everybody thinks he is? Are you really destined to become the overlord and leader of the galactic confederacy? What the hell is a Xenu?

SC: I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just ask me all that bullshit in a single breath, because otherwise, I would have to kill you. Why aren’t you asking me about my deal with the Gap?

DC: Oh, yeah, alright… So, are you going to be spearheading Baby Gap’s new line of clothing?

SC: Hell no! But it’s okay, because my parents will pay for it. They think they can run my life. They think they can tell me what I can or can’t do. They’re wrong. DEAD WRONG.

DC: Christ. You’re not going to hurt them, are you?

SC: Hurt? No. Embarrass? Yes.

DC: Ok, let it flow.

SC: Dad loves to masturbate in front of a mirror while wearing stilettos and listening to the Saved by the Bell theme song. Mom hates it when she farts and more than gas comes out. She does that all the time. I literally can’t count the number of times she’s had to burn her underwear. And I can count past thirty now. Dad also loves to have lukewarm baths in kitten’s blood. He says that they’ll make him taller.

DC: You know, I think those claims will keep your parents PR people pretty busy for the next few months.

SC: My mom pretends to believe in scientology, but she’s really afraid to tell dad she doesn’t because he would go apeshit and kill more kittens.

DC: Ok, that’s quite enough.

SC: Also, not even mom knows this, but dad eats babies.

DC: I’m going to stop the tape… right… about…

SC: Also, my dad is crazy.

DC: …now.

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