Jonathan Chico “Shoot to Kill” DeBarge—little brother of 80’s alleged pop sensation El Debarge (translated from the Spanish, “The Debarge”) and second lieutenant in command of the notorious El Debarge 7—was finally taken into custody by Mexican Federales,i working in conjunction with the Brownesville Texas Police department early this morning following a wild and dramatic shoot out in the streets of “El Bano”, a small suburb of Matamoros, Mexico. The confrontation left fifteen officers dead, six civilians deafened and at least one Chihuahua seriously nervous. Sister “Bunny” De Barge, wanted for questioning in a long string of coast-to-coast murders, was killed at the scene. I took thirty-seven bullets to take her down.

“You gotta respect the old cabrona for that,” said police chief Roberto Gonzalez Gomez while being rushed to the El Bano hospital for treatment of a twisted ankle he sustained in the shootout. He slipped into a coma and died moments later.

These events, of course, follow last week’s spectacular arrest of ring leader/squeaky older brother Eldra “El” “They’ll Never Take Me Alive” DeBarge on a charge related to either domestic violence, arms running, pornography, being ugly and/or heroine smuggling.

According to a witness at the site of the shootout, “¿Qué? ¿Qué? ¡Yo no le puedo oír! ¿Hola? ¿Hola? ¡Mierda! ¡Soy sordo”!

The DeBarge 7 has been on the run since their family farm and cartel headquarters, The Rancho El Stupido, (since dubbed “The Icky Icky Death Ranch” by the international press) was raided by the Mexico City police contra narcoticos squad. Apparently, they had fled the ranch after they were tipped off by Chico’s homosexual lover or “novio maricon” (who is also ironically named “Chico”), a prison bitch, who overheard contra narcoticos officers planning the raid through a pipe connected somehow to the toilet in his cell. But that’s Mexican plumbing for you.

Upon searching the ranch, federales discovered thousands of pounds of cocaine and marijuana, a small fleet of private planes, an arsenal of automatic and semiautomatic weapons, hundreds of millions of dollars in Pesos, and, most terrifyingly of all, a mass graveyard, where apparent enemies and victims of the gang—most of which had been horribly tortured and beheaded in apparent Satanic rituals—were found buried in a shallow communal hole. Ringleader El was arrested moments later while pissing in the alley of a local pub. On his WIFE.

DeBarge brothers and gang members Mark (“El Duby”), James (“El Flaco”), and Randy (“El Bellaco”) DeBarge remain at large and should be considered highly dangerous. If you encounter anyone fitting the description of any at large members of the gang, you are encouraged to contact Telemundo immediately.

Ironically, the entire family is from Michigan.

By Adrian Ryan

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