In events that I simply must make perfectly clear have absolutely nothing to do with anything related to or associated with Scientology or Tom Cruise in any way whatsoever, David Hans Schmidt, the crooked photographer who tried to exhort one million dollars from the poor Cruise family recently, was found clearly and mysteriously dead, dead, in his Phoenix home on Friday afternoon.

Even though none of this has anything whatsoever to do with Scientologists, who love puppies and ice cream, “they” clearly mocked up the obvious murder up to look like a very convincing suicide—so convincing that nobody has realized it was murder yet, including me—in the way that, you know, “they” do. “They”, of course” being anybody but the Scientologists. Who are not watching me. Or you. Right now. Through camera-like particle wave space technology, through your very own computer screen, all day, every day. Swear to God!

According to fortitudinous celebrity news types who have nothing better to do than follow this kind of crap, Mr. Schmidt was under house arrest after pleading guilty to the $1 million extortion plot, involving Tom Cruise’s stolen wedding photos, in which he and Katie had apparently shed their synthetic human skin to reveal their scaly alien bodies underneath or something as part of the horrible ceremony.

Apparently, dark suspicions summoned police to Schmidt’s Phoenix home after the ankle-bracelet tracking device he was forced to wear (and which made him a sitting duck for the terrible outer space technologies of the vengeful Scien…uh, of Persons Unknown) indicated that he had not moved in several hours. Police rushed to the scene after a brief stop at Denny’s for a bite to eat and a cuppa coffee, and when poking his prone and rotting corpse with a stick failed to rouse him, he was pronounced dead at the scene.

“Yup, he’s dead all right,” reported police Captain Johnson Johnson. “And since we didn’t see any evidence of Scientological activity, we’ve pronounced it a suicide. Yup. Musta been a suicide. No Scientologists around at all, so, naturally, were questioning the Mormons. Shifty bitches, Mormons.”

Mr. Schmidt was dead and unable to comment.

by Adrian Ryan

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