Some notorious liars that hardly bear mentioning (TMZ.com) report that they have nefariously obtained the SECRET GENERIC REPLY LETTER that Paris Hilton is making some flying monkey of hers deliver on her behalf in response to the sickening buckets of retarded correspondence she got from complete (and completely retarded) strangers and misguided wishers-of-well when she was still in the pokey.

Ha, ha. “Pokey”.

TMZ reports:

“Photocopied and slightly off center (the letter), it contains the line, “I read your letter…” — perhaps she did, but as TMZ first reported, Paris got so much mail at Lynwood — it had to be carried out in giant push carts!”

Giant fucking PUSHCARTS? Wow.

Well, I haven’t gotten a response like that as of yet, and, yes, shut up, I took the time to sit down and pen Paris a little note when she was still in jail. (How could I NOT? I ask you.) I’d like to share that letter here with you:

Dear Whore,

I’m only sorry you didn’t kill a whole bunch of blond babies in your drunken stupor you dumb slut, because you deserve the fucking chair. Do you hear me? THE FUCKING CHAIR!”

Love,
Molly Ringwald

Now, if I’m really, really patient and eat my vegetables, I might just get one of these that she has been sending out….

“[Dear Molly] I read your letter and just wanted to thank you for your kind words of love and support. The fact that you tool time out of your day. But I am being strong and trying to make the best out of the situation. And the letters I am receiving really do put a smile on my face as I sit here in my cell sad and alone. Again, thank you so much, and may God bless you and your family.”

OHHHHH! I can hardly wait!!!!

by Adrian Ryan

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