It has been reported by sources so secret they aren’t even sure who they are that the terrifying robot bride called Katie Holmes is in training for the epic and most very difficult New York Marathon next month.

“Katie is determined to complete the race and make Tom proud. She’s been training for months, both in Los Angeles and in Berlin. She’s as fit and toned as she’s ever been in her life. Katie is going to surprise a lot of people,” somebody said.

“But she’ll have to wear tape on her nipples, to prevent friction burns and tearing, just like a regular earthling,” observed somebody else.

“Great! Speed will be imperative in my upcoming battle with Lord Xenu!”, said Tom.

“Bwahahahaha! Run, then! RUN, puny mortal! It shall do you no good!”, said Dark Overlord Xenu.

“Arf! Arf!” , agreed Spot.

Moving on, then…

In other news: the frumpy house frau/misguided dog rescue person that stole Ellen’s puppy from its new home has been awarded The Leona Helmsley Total Evil Bitch Award. “All I wanted to do is save puppies….SAVE PUPPIES!” she screamed hysterically upon receiving the award, mere seconds before several shots rang out, fatally wounding the evil puppy woman. Oh. Wait. Has this really happened yet? Am I reporting the fucking future again?

Forgive me.

And very, very lastly: Bobby the fuck Brown may be guilty of any number of sins: spousal abuse, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, ear abuse, abuse of fat hotel managers (long personal story, remind me to tell you some other time), has-been-ness, raging stupidity, ugliness, reality tv, etc., but until just this very moment, he remained free of that most heinous and tragic of all sins…COUNTRY MUSIC.

But all that’s fucking over now. Yes, siree, yeehaw little doggie.

“Bobby Brown signed for CMT’s new show “Gone Country,” where cowboy heavyweight John Rich will attempt to re-invent Brown’s career — as a country superstar!”

In response to this news, the corpses of Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty have risen from the grave and have joined forces with Dolly Parton and The Mandrell Sisters to plot the total destruction of Bobby Brown. But that’s to be expected, I guess.

Yeehaw!

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