I’m going to make this quite simple: If John Mayer is really dating Ricki Lake, like they say, I’m going to blow my brains out. Then I’m going o blow your brains out, then I’ll blow everybody else’s brains out, then, if there’s still time, I’ll blow their brains out. And that’s a whole lot of blowing. So you know I’m up to it.

Wait. WHAT? Why will I blow everybody’s brains out, you ask? Don’t be a complete douche. First of all, John Mayer is thirty years old. Ricki Lake, on the other hand, is 30 thousand pounds. John Mayer is a big star. Ricki Lake is “big boned”. John Mayer is an adorable, brown eyed thing whose body is a wonderland. Ricki Lake’s is a has been faghag whose body is a wonder land mass.

And don’t get the idea that I hate fat people. Quite on the contrary! I love them! I love them as they deserve to be loved: as our next greatest fuel resource. Once all the oil’s gone, the rendered blubber from the big fat asses of Americans in general (and Jennifer Love Hewitt in particular) will be heating our condos and fueling our super-futuristic jetpacks well into the future. That’s just scientific fact. 

And I know she’s relatively SKINNY at the moment (RELATIVELY!), but, you know, tick tock, tick tock. She may have been living on sesame sends and good wishes long enough to scale herself down to human proportions for now, but be pragmatic. Science has proven that people with, well, Ricki’s type of metabolism, never, but never stay skinny: someday soon she’ll succumb to the burning hunger that no doubt seethes within her night and day and she’ll eat at a tic tac or something and WHAM! Hello, Shamu. And when she does, who will adorable little brown-eyed Johnny cry to then? ME, that’s who. And that’s totally fucking awesome, so never mind. Yay, John Mayer! Suck on that flab!

I’ll be waiting.

Adrian Ryan

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