Fascinating things are happening! Pipe down and pay attention!

I’m just kidding. You can pipe back up. I love it when you pipe up.

Here’s the “story”:

Amy Winehouses’ husband just overdosed on the horse, the junk, the magic dragon (as it were) yesterday, and HE DIDN’T DIE SOMEHOW.

You heard me. He. Didn’t. Die.

How is this possible, you ask? To overdose on the magic vein-mud and live to tell it? To be -oh-so-very polluted and live? Well. How very rude of you to ask. I could hardly know, being the girl scout that I am, and I resent the implications. But apparently such wondrous things are possible, and Amy Winehouse’ freaky husband did it. Somehow. I guess death was on coffee break. Or maybe he’s the Jesus of junkies. How can we know for sure?

And what’s most fascinating and hilariously shameful about the entire situation, come to think of it, is that Amy Winehouses’ freaky husband overdosed on heroine in PRISON. And there is supposed to be, you know, a rather strict “no heroine” policy in prison. Of course, he’s in a British prison, but I’m pretty damn sure “no heroine, please” has been graven into the stone doors of every prison since prisons began, and definitely extends to British prisons. The English are hard asses. So that’s no excuse. He’s a very bad, bad boy. And apparently he’s not the only one who OD’ed in that prison on that night:

“Blake Fielder-Civil overdosed on heroin along with several other cellmates. After guards were somehow able to distinguish he looked sicker than usual, Blake was rushed to the jail’s hospital where he survived the ordeal.”

And still, somehow, Amy Winehouse walks the night. Still alive too, somehow. A mystery.

Speaking of the most certainly doomed: Lindsay Lohan just posed rather nude and completely naked for some magazine, with her freckly boobs showing and everything, and if you think I have anything to say about it, you’re wrong. That’s what you are.

In less interesting drug addicts who never show their tits: Kirsten Dunst, who is often confused (by me mostly) with Claire Danes, is also in rehab (as you damn well know), and her so-called “friends” are no saying to anyone who will listen (who is tabloids mostly) that all of her drung and emotional problems stem from her tragically broken heart. And the tragic breaker o that heart? Right. Jake Gyllenhaal. Of course.

I know exactly how she feels. Exactly.

Adrian Ryan

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