Nicole Richie is pregnant. Assuming the child makes it to adulthood a third generation of Americans could have their senses ravaged by a Richie.

The assault started with Lionel in the 1980’s. I didn’t have a trained critical eye in 1983. I thought We Built This City on Rock n’ Roll was a really cool song. However, even as a nine-year-old I knew that the video for Hello was beyond lame. Why and how on earth was that blind girl making a sculpture of Lionel Richie’s head?

Then there was…“Say you, say me. Say it together. Naturally, It made no sense. It sounded like something people would chant at a Jim Jones rally. My ears bled.

Twenty years later Nicole took it to the next level and made us long for the days when celebrities produced annoying crap as opposed to producing nothing at all. Nicole Richie isn’t famous for being famous. She’s famous for being FRIENDS with someone who’s famous just for being famous. She can’t even do that right! Her job was to stand next to Paris Hilton and smile for the rest of her adult life and she screwed it up.

I can’t think of what could possibly worse than her but I’m sure the third Richie generation will figure out a way to raise the bar. Maybe the child will grow up to do a cover of his grandfather Lionel’s All Night Long that Clear Channel will play at all radio frequencies, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Every American will be incapacitated with blood flowing out of their ears and rectums. In our moment of weakness Osama Bin Laden will emerge from hiding to become king and emperor of the United States.

Or hopefully the kid could just turn out to be another annoying celebrity.

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