A celebrated British drug addict called Pete Doherty or something is under investigation by Scotland Yard for his mysterious and junky-sexy possible involvement in the gruesome and frankly rather disgusting death of a man who plummeted “somehow” from the balcony of an apparently rather tall house in London late last year.

But did Doherty do it? And if he did do it, would he do me too?

These are the questions which face the investigation at this point, and according to the only legitimate news outlet I’ve EVER sourced but I’m about to forget to mention anyway, Mr. Doherty, who is the most fuckable insane person in England just now and a dreadful mess in general (like, Lindsay Lohan dreadful mess), is rumored to have had some sort of dreadful argument with the mysteriously smooshed person just hours before the victim suddenly found himself squashed like a broken cockroach. Furthermore, Pete (which is short for “Peter”, from the Greek meaning “dick”) was also quite present in the rather tall house during the, ahem, accident, and fled the scene like a rat with its ass on fire mere moments after the terrible fall. Logically, police are interested, if not very eager, to talk to him.

Whot wif money like ‘e’s got, indeed.

Even more damning to Mr. Doherty, there apparently exists actual video footage of him rushing indifferently past the broken, blood-covered victim without stopping shortly after the fall. About this remarkable footage, Pete recently remarked, “Jesus Christ! Can’t a man kill anybody without being fooking videotaped? I’ll kill you! I’ll fooking kill you all!”, and then he vomited on his shirt. And although he’s possibly a murdering pig and he’s definitely a wretched drug addict, experts who are mostly me and my friend Hollis (you’ve never met) agree that “Babyshambles”, Mr. Doherty’s band, is the most genius fucking name for a band (or anything else) ever, and if that’s a level of creativity that can be reached only through drowning oneself in tragic rivers of sweet brown junk, pushing people to their death’s, and being a crazy jackass in general, I say bravo, Mr. Doherty, and Godspeed. Or I would, you know, if I was a much bigger dick that I really am. Which I am. Believe it.

In possibly related news: Amy Weinhouse is in no was related to the story above and could not be reached for comment anyway, as she might be dead. I’m just saying. Thank you.

Adrian Ryan

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