Patrick Swayze’s not lookin’ too hot. Hell bells, to tell it true, the boy hasn’t looked too hot since 1984-ish, but how would I know that? I was barely even born yet maybe. But these days he’s looking especially not good. “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar” not good. Bad. He looks bad. Which makes sense, since he’s, um, dying. Of pancreatic cancer. Ugh.

A moment please.

Of course, doctors have confirmed this pancreatic cancer diagnosis- but his personal physician insists he’s not as close to death as reports suggest.

And you know what that means. Right. Tick-tock, tick-tock.

Doctors: the most wretched liars of all.

The “Dirty Dancing” hunk’s publicist Annett Wolf adds, “Patrick Swayze has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and is currently undergoing treatment…Patrick is continuing his normal schedule during this time, which includes working on upcoming projects…The outpouring of support and concern he has already received from the public is deeply appreciated by Patrick and his family.”

But the real question on everyone’s mind, of course: will he haunt Whoopie Goldberg?

Speculation is pointless.

Now here’s something I can really get behind: Justin Long. I love him. I want to have his kittens. I want to lay him down, roll over him like Astroturf, give him a rose quartz crystal and a tongue bath. But maybe that’s too much information. (As if there could be such a thing.) Anyhoozits…I am beside myself with joy that Drew Barrymore, who I adore like Christmas, has finally found a man I can eagerly approve of. They are dating, you know. And that’s fabulous. And, um, hot. And, um, a vast improvement. In the past she has dated drugs, women, that nut with one nut, and others, but now she is safe in the arms (and six-pack abs) of The Mac Guy, who is just super adorable and stared in Dodge Ball, the only Vince Vaughn film that can make me cry, and Jeepers Creepers, the only horror movie you can masturbate to. Or that I can masturbate to. Whichever.

Too much information again? Whatever.
Adrian Ryan

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