Well, I’ve calmed down, thank you for asking, and today is a bright and fresh new day. Let us embrace it by, as I promised yesterday, not mentioning, um, Princess Crazypants.

Besides, if you don’t think anything interesting is happening in the universe of celebrite except Bri…well, That Wretched GIRL…you’re as crazazy as she is! Check it out: 

Today Paris Hilton cried. Cried! 

Pinch me Loretta, for it’s almost too funny to be real, but the dizzy biznitch BURST into TEARS and blubbered like a broken baby—Bwaaaa..wa, wa, waaaaaaaaaaaa—and frankly, it was fabulous.  And if this isn’t butterscotch scrumptious enough for you, well. There is full photographic and video evidence of the event, to commemorate it for future generations. And if THAT isn’t good enough, well, you’re sick. But there is still something better.

Just guess who made her cry? Guess!  (I command you!)

Right. 50 Cent!  50 CENT!!!

Outstanding.

Here is what happened:  50 Cent was rapping or whatever. Rap, rap rap! It was during some swanky and, as they say, “star-studded” Super Bowl pre-party thingy that was held in, for some unfathomable reason, Scottsdale, Arizona. (Is that where the Super Bowl lives? I’m clueless.) During his performance, Paris, ever the presumptuous little snatch, thought it would be a good idea to rush the stage and treat the audience to a lovely and whoreish dance. Dance, dance, dance!

Delightful!

Mr. Cent, however, never to be upstaged by a Hilton, paused mid-rhyme, halted the music, and demanded that the stupid biznitch get, and I do quote, the “[bleep]”off his “[bleeping]“ stage, thank you madam!

Indeed!

Well, Paris doesn’t like to be yelled at unless it’s for money, so she broke down like a dairy mule and wept herself a salty river to swim her humilliated ass out on. Which she promptly did. Witnesses say that she hadn’t cried that much since she went to prison, which reminded me that I had already totally forgotten that she had been to prison, that’s how damaged my attention span is. I blame television.   Wait. What? Cry cry cry, swim swim swim!  And it will all be on YouTube forever.  Thank you, Jesus.

Adrian Ryan

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