No, don’t get me wrong when I say that he’s a gone-haywire drama queen crybaby with much more destructively potent mental/emotional issues revolving around his weird fucking nose than any one man should ever have to bear, because I like Owen Wilson in general, I guess, and really hope he doesn’t kill himself. (He owes me a backrub.) But what the fuck is going on with the apparently suicidal freak (love you, Owen! Please don’t die!) is anybody’s guess at this point, as reports of his alleged suicide attempt are mutating wildly by the second. First, and the weirderest of these, is that Owen’s tragic and rather prom-queen-like PILL OVERDOSE and the subsequent and widely-reported frantic stomach-pumping never happened AT ALL, that these events were all a tragic lie, and that Owen had (egads!) CUT HIS OWEN WILSONISH WRISTS, instead! It was all very confusing.

But what really happened is so much worse.

Sources have now reported that Owen Wilson, for reasons understood by him, his God (is he Jewish? Do Jews have a God?), and Kate Hudson, tried to kill himself NOT merely, indeed, by way of a rather girly and limpid pill-popping, nor simply by a comparatively manly, drastic, and much more painful CUTTING OF HIS Owen-Wilsonish WRISTS…but indeed, all of the fucking above….both….in tandem! He popped the pills, then sliced open his veins, more determined to dispatch himself, apparently, than anybody first imagined.

Due to the extensive and self-inflicted wrist-damage and emotional weirdness in general, Owen was forced to pull out of his latest project, a movie with Ben Stiller. This would have been their ninthso-called “film” together.

Experts, shocked at the drastic determination apparent in Owen’s suicide attempt, still agree that if they had to work with Ben Stiller for a ninth time, they’d cut their fucking wrists too. He should be given his own fucking holiday for sticking it out through eight. Word.

by Adrian Ryan

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