Evil little birds with an agenda report that Owen Wilson had his darling six-pack-abed stomach pumped—and not in the good way—at St. John’s Hospital in Santa Monica, CA late last night, and the whisperers are whispering that it was all due to a possible suicide attempt! Allegedly, after said pump-pump-pumping, Owen was transferred to a second top secret hospital for rich people somewhere else entirely to be treated for…something secret. No one is saying anything, except for the loudmouth police, naturally.

According to a statement from the aforementioned loudmouth police: “On Sunday Aug. 26. 2007 at 12:10 PM, officers from the Santa Monica Police Department responded to a medical assistance call from the Santa Monica Fire Department at the 900 block of 23rd Street. The person was transported to a local hospital where they are being treated.” “The person”, of course, was Owen Wilson. And now we know where he lives, kinda. (Thanks police!)

These terrible events leave us with many questions. Was this actually some desperate attempt to dispatch himself to the great beyond? And if so, why would he ever do such a thing? Did the fact that Kate Hudson was just seen/photographed making out with some loser called “Dax Shepard” in a grocery store force him over the edge (in which case, that’s just karma kicking his ass for stealing her in the first damn place)? Or did that FREAKY FUCKING NOSE of his simply finally just make….him….SNAP? And what, exactly, was pumped out of his stomach? ‘Ludes? Tylenol? The sperm of the New Kidz on the Block? We may never know for sure. Never.

Kate Hudson remains the only woman on earth I’d pork.

by Adrian Ryan

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