Did you hear that the real and for true birth-giver of one of the squalling brood of disenfranchised infants that have been so meticulously absorbed into the Orphans de Pitt-Jolie Collection like TOTALLY wanted the kid back or whatever, and now she says that the child was ripped from her arms against her will, and not a real orphan at all? But that the US government, praise the gods of capitalist justice, has wisely ruled that the adoption is legal, legal, LEGAL, dammit, no matter what the mother says, and told her to go piss up a flagpole? As if her backward-ass booger-eating desert country even had a FLAG, let alone a flagpole? And so Angie and Brad get to keep the kid? Well did you ? Hear it?

I didn’t. Thank God.

And then, suddenly with no warning!: Natalie Portman is SO TOTALLY AWESOME that she, like, totally refuses to get married as long as so-called “same-sex” marriage or whatever is still illegal. In protest or whatever. “I’m not convinced about marriage. Divorce is so easy, and that fact that gay people are not allowed to marry takes much of the meaning out of it,” she said in a recent “In Style” or what-the-fuck-ever magazine interview, proving once and for all that she is secretly a screaming dyke.

SCREAMING, I tell you.

Then: Dr. Phil was hit by a big fucking Mac truck while talking on a cell phone and driving at the same time. Sadly, he’s not that dead. Or, he’s not any more dead than he was before the accident. Which was pretty dead. Whatever. The jackass.

Lastly, Michael Jackson, who experts surmise it at least 69.9 percent female anyway, was seen earlier this week garbed in some sort of eccentric female clothing whilst wandering the gay, gay streets of LA. Some website says, “Jackson was dressed in an urban burka as he shopped at Unica — a women’s clothing store — supposedly buying some duds for his assistant.”

Sources report that his “assistant” is a 13 year old boy. Of course. 

Adrian Ryan 

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