Oprah Winfrey. Well. When people often ask me (and they do…oh, they do!) why, but WHY, I’m so absolutely certain–so completely, 122.6% sure that Oprah is a big coot-tootin’ lesbian, I always say, SHUT UP! QUIT BOTHERING ME! WHO ARE YOU?
Jesus.

But then I remember “Stedman”. Or, more truly, I don’t remember “Stedman”, because who the hell ever remembers “Stedman”? Not me. Not you. Not “Gayle”, Oprah’s “bestest friend in the whole wide world”, ahem. And definitely not Oprah. Especially not in her will.

“Oprah has fueled speculation that her relationship with longtime partner Stedman Graham is in jeopardy, because she reportedly left him out of her will. The media mogul recently drew up the legal document, leaving none of her $2 billion fortune to her partner of 21 years in the event of her passing…instead, the talk-show queen has dictated that her money should be donated to several charities and the three daughters she plans to adopt.”

So, Oprah has left her “long term partner” that she’s been “with” since 1492 or so completely high and/or dry (and not in the good ways) without a single red cent to show for 25 years of unwed cool acknowledgment, in favor of three as yet unrelated girls she hasn’t even MET yet. Now let me ask you: WHY, oh WHY am I ever so sure Oprah Winfrey is a lesbian? Can you maybe figure it out?

Exactly.

Then, Supreme Alien Overlord Tom Cruise rushed to the aid of a woman who was stranded deep in the snow after she ran her car off the road. (Women drivers!) Sources report that he used the tremendous heat generated by his desperately repressed homosexuality to melt all the snow, thus freeing said woman, then he focused all of his creepy outer space powers to not seduce the woman at all. Then he gave birth to a space creature out of his chest. Believe it.

Adrian Ryan

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