Is there anything happening in the world that is not Britney Spears, Britney Spears, BRITNEY SPEARS?  

No? Well. I didn’t really think so anyway. According to a source: 

“In a heavy British accent, a ballistic Brit screamed (about her parents), “I’m so sick of all of this they can have the goddamn house and stick it up their f**king asses. Actually, no they can’t.”  

Oh dear. Oh, dear dear dear. And, then, um:  

“The judge in the hearing today has issued a restraining order against Sam Lutfi — ordering him to stay away from Britney Spears.” 

But, uh, then:  

“A Los Angeles court commissioner has placed Britney Spears and her estate under temporary conservatorship. That means her financial assets and other holdings will be managed by a conservator — the conservators are Jamie Spears and attorney Andrew Wallet.” 

And, well, then…oh screw it.  I can’t take it anymore. 

In anything else: Eva Mendez, who is an actress with very large boobs, has checked herself into rehab because she it’s the hot thing to do, and apparently she’s riddled with substance abuse issues that may or may not have anything to do with her very large boobs. Coincidentally, she is in the same rehab that totally failed Lindsay Lohan and her boobs last summer. Isn’t that nice? 

Then! It seems as if Kirsten Dunst, who I ALWAYS confuse with Claire Danes, isn’t going insane, like everybody said she was. Well, I never said she was, but apparently some other people did, and if you heard that, well darnit, it’s just not true. Not true, ya see! So stop poking her with sticks and asking her to weave baskets.  And that’s not about Britney either. So. Hooray! Just for that I hope Claire Danes never goes insane! I mean Kirsten Dunst! Whatever!  

Finally: Madonna has apparently grown a penis. “It’s bloody huge!” says an apparently British source. “It just sprung up one night, neat as you please! And there it is all big and hairy like—I can’t say I didn’t expect something like this all these years, the way she is you know, but, blimey! You should see it! And the children? Oh, they love it: how they poke it with sticks and laugh…” And yes I made that entire last thing up. But aren’t you glad it wasn’t about Britney fuckucking Spears?  Aren’t YOU??

Adrian Ryan

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