Sources that cannot be trusted report that paranoid, paranoid stick-twin Mary-Kate Olsen has quit New York University because she didn’t “feel safe” among her fellow students, but untrustworthier sources assure us that the sudden gusts of New York wind that often blow through the campus kept hurling her into the air and out of site, like a box kite. The other ugly twin was busy puking up the Brussels sprout leaf she had for lunch and dinner three days ago, and could not be reached for comment.

Amy Winehouse has precipitously fled her second attempt at rehab, claiming that there just wasn’t enough heroin available there. Courtney Love could not be woken up for comment.

British authorities have reportedly given up arresting some guy who is apparently famous in England called “Pete Dougherty” for drug possession in any way whatsoever anymore, and will from now on arrest him for being a drug himself, as school children and bums and partiers in general of all sorts have begin following him in the streets and allies of London town, liking his exposed flesh for the psychedelic high the drug feind’s sweat apparently provides. “He’s just like those lovely South American toads!” exclaimed the Queen as she took another lick. Princess Diana was still dead as a stick and could not be reached for comment.

Supermodel Naomi Campbell has criticized the editors of British Vogue for not using any black models on the covers, and then she beat the shit out of them all with her cell phone. Her cell phone is all smashed and clogged with bloody bits of ear, so, of course, she couldn’t be reached for comment either.

Illusionist Criss Angel has vehemently denied reports that he’s secretly screwing the cankered cavern that is Britney Spears, then he burst into tears and ran away crying like a stupid little girl. A source at the source reports that contrary to his hysterical claims, Britney apparently fucked the living crap out of the magician because she was really really impressed by his apparent evil powers, convinced he was himself, and, quote,“She thought she could sell me her soul and in exchange I could help her fix her disastrous life. She kept saying, things like, ‘Oh, dark master! Bless my humble scabby cooch with your frigid demon seed, y’all!’ I think she was kind of high…” Allegedly, the magician admitted all this at high volume in a drunken stupor while taking a pee in a West Hollywood Denny’s. “It was fucking spooky, man.” Britney Spears was busy drowning the children in a lake and could not be reached for comment.

Agents have received “chatter” along the Iraqi border or whatever indicating that Paris Hilton will soon attempt to release her so-called “memoirs from prison” upon the unfortunate literate world. A mole who illegally obtained an early copy says, “Really, it’s just a lot of phonetically spelled-out screaming and farting noises…”AHHHHHH! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Ppppbbbbthhhhtttttt!’ stuff like that. At one point she seems to scream, ‘IT BURNS! OH GOD! WHEN I PEE! IT BUUUUURRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNSSSSS!’ but that’s about it.” Paris Hilton is a drunk whore and could not be reached for comment.

Lastly: Some actress called Keira Knightley has spoken out publicly against fame, celebrity, and being famous in general, and warns wannabe actors to not bother. I was busy kicking the ungrateful bitch’s ass and could not be reached for comment.

by Adrian Ryan

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