Nicole Ritchie was a coked out toothpick. That was then. (Like ten minutes ago.) Now she’s suddenly a nun with a bun. In her oven. Her dry, desolate, drug-wizened oven. And she pretty much tells her former party-girl playmates, “Save yourselves! Breed like me!”

But will it keep her out of JAIL?

Uhmmm no.

Yes, by the grace of whatever Prince of Hell controls her particular destiny (my guess? Beelzebub, Lord of Flies), some intrepid sperm found the fortitude to bust its way through Nicole Ritchie’s smack-marbleized egg sack, and somehow? SOMEHOW? The whole fertilization thing actually happened. (World, despair.) And, Miss Ritchie would like to have the world know that getting knocked-up has worked a miracle on her infamous attitude.

On yesterdays ABC interview with Diane Sawyer or whatever (when will that fossil just turn to OIL already?), Nicole was no longer a pie-eyed oxy-freak with a greasy tootsie roll tan and characteristic trail of semen, but a demure and soft spoken Jackie fucking O, wearing fourteen hundred shades of creamy pastel pearl pink, sitting as bolt upright and a woody with a stick up its ass, and wagging her remorseful new sense of social responsibility. And nary a coke-spoon in sight! Nicole politely assured the world that she’s no longer the junked-up party hooker of yore (ten minutes ago) but a changed…uh, er…”woman”, and it’s all because the condom broke!

“Now that I’m having a baby myself, I realize how awful it was for me to give young ladies such a horrible role model, little girls seeing me on TV with my skinny box aimed at the sky, getting plowed like a potato field by god knows how many strange men, and my face in a pile of pure Peruvian—and now? I just feel terrible about the entire thing, because I’m all pregnant and having my own baby or whatever and shit, and I am SO totally not the same drunk-driving anorexic I was then (ten minutes ago), and God I hope it keeps me out of jail” or something. She sort of said in the interview. (Possible paraphrase. Whatever.)

So, all that the whoreish likes of Paris Hilton, Nico…no, wait…Lindsay Lohan, Nicol…er, no… and other at-risk crash-and-burn party hos everywhere must do to mend their crack-addled, ass-in-the-air, billion-dollar-bitch ways (and hopefully stay out of jail-FINGERS CROSSED!) is to lie back and let all that sperm that’s always sloshing around inside them anyway do what Mother Nature intended it to do. Fertilize their wretched eggs, already! Please!

by Adrian Ryan

Share It!