Naked Pictures, Demi and Ashton, Yawn!

October 10th, 2007 by Daily Contempt

An insidious plot has been uncovered; a plot so insidious and completely uncovered that it broke like a dry twig under the tremendous weight of its own insidious uncoverdenesness. It’s a plot that has unfolded like a dirty napkin in a cheap Chinese joint and has subsequently lead to terrible events and the most strained and wretched similes, and it will surely go down in the annals (and anals) of Hollywood History as “Fuck, Man! Nobody Needs to See That Shit!-gate”, or possibly something much shorter, as scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that American attention spans are exponentially becoming …

I’m sorry. What?

And , of course, all of this plotting involves Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. As USUAL.

“Indeed, it was quite a plan,” reports a source that apparently knows all about whatever the hell it is we’re talking about here, which is more than I can say at this point. “And the outcome wasn’t pretty. Well, at least most of it wasn’t…”

All experts can agree on conclusively at this point is that the alleged source surely wasn’t talking about Aston Kutcher’s role in these events, as experts agree that Ashton Kutcher, no matter what else he is, is very, very pretty. An official sounding report:

“Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are reportedly “embarrassed and angry” after learning that candid camera-phone snapshots are circulating in cyberspace.The photos were taken during a trip to Spain and features Demi Moore posing on nude a bed and Ashton bare-chested.”

Provocative.

“Wow,” explains our alleged source, “Accidentally losing your homemade sex tapes and/or nudie pics? Which then somehow find their way onto the internet? Genius! Oh, sure getting a nice fat handful of DUI’s or Jew-bashing or adopting brown children or dropping a big fat “N-bomb” at the VMAs—that’s what pretty much all of your fading and desperate celebrities are gonna do to get their names back into circulation. It’s kinda whatcha call tradition. But personal NUDE pictures …leaked? On the internet? I ain’t seen nothing like it. It’s a whole new day for publicity stunts! These two should get a parade!”

And they probably would have, had not their plan been foiled by the immutable universal law that the last god damn thing anybody wants to see is Demi Moore’s sagging beanbags and/or graying clam-whiskers. “She looks exactly like a strip of bacon with a big janky salt-n-pepper beard naked. Disgusting, actually.”

Said janky clam-whiskers could not be reached for comment.

by Adrian Ryan

Share It!