In a bizarre and murder-colored event that experts are calling “an act of psychotic septuagenarian sex-rage”, George Clooney and his utterly ignorable girlfriend were mercilessly mowed down on their gay little moped as they sped carelessly down some road in New Jersey (for Christ’s sake) by none other that George’s 3-million-year-old ex Facts of Life co-star, TV’s Mrs. Garret!

The star suffered a rib fracture and grazes in the accident and Larson, the “girlfriend” or whatever, broke two toes. Both were taken to the Palisades Medical Center for treatment and have since been released, shaken but grateful.”

“That crazy bitch could have killed me!” said Clooney before limping away into the night and whining like a little bitch. Mrs. Garret is presumed dead at the scene.

“The vehicle Mrs. Garret was driving exploded when she hit them, and she caught fire,” according to police. “She ran around screaming for a bit, then slumped down on the curb, and just laid there, steaming and making crackling noises.” Unfortunately, the Fire Department was on strike at the time of the accident, and cops are pussies. “We’re just gonna wait till she cools down a little to see if she’s okay. We’re hoping for the best.”

Mrs. Garret (not her real name, which no one remembers) appears to have stalked Clooney for years, reports a sourcey source that’s probably sourcing as we speak. “She’s obsessed over Clooney forever. She finally just snapped, stole a car, located Clooney and his girl, and gunned for them. Simple.”

Mrs. Garrett and George met on the set during a taping of a later episode of Facts of Life, just before the point in the series that Mrs. Garret “got married” and was replaced by “her sister” Cloris Leachman, but after the point when it became impossible to ignore Jo’s screaming, grinding, painfully painful bull-dykishness.

“There was an episode, backstage, years ago,” said Tootie (her real name) in a street side interview immediately following the attempted homicide. Coincidentally, Tootie, now a mother of 14, lives in a box on the curb of the New Jersey street in which the attempted murder took place, and came rushing out with no pants on to get some desperately needed attention when she head the terrible crash. “Well, she used to hit on him, back then. It got pretty ugly. Mrs. Garret was older n’ a bag of dusty dirt even way back then you know, but that old woman had the pulsating loins of a she-lion in serious heat—you know what I’m sayin’? And when she’d been drinking, which was always you know, she’d get aggressive. We’ll George wasn’t having any of that ole woman junk, he thought he was already too damn good for that, and she just went crazy, smashed up half the set, roaring like an animal, crazy. They finally calmed her down by convincing her that George was gay—it was easy, everybody mostly thought he was back then anyway. It took three days to calm her down enough to cart her away. He barely got away with his life.”

The show replaced her with Miss Leechman soon after, and she’s been in an hysterical coma ever since. “Then one day last week, the new girl left the TV in Mrs Garret’s room on one of those gossip programs,” reports Lydia Cabrera, an LPN at Mrs. Garret’s nursing facility, Shady Acres of Shady Acres Assisted Living in Omaha, Nebraska. “She was warned not to– again and again!—and a story came on about Mr. Clooney and his girlfriend. Well, she started to make this low grunting, growling noise. It was the first peep out of her in almost twenty years, it scared the Jesus out of me, let me tell you! Then I listened real close, and she seemed to be saying, “Noooooot gaaaaaaaaay……noooooooot gaaaaaaaay.” Then she reached up and choked me until I passed out. She was gone when I came to. ”Police discovered among her scant few possessions what appeared to be a personal sexual device shaped in the likeness of George Clooney.

According to Senior Shady Acres Administrator Mandalay Jones-Syzjymik, “I ain’t touchin’ that!” Mrs. Garret then hot-wired a car in the staff parking lot and went on a country-wide search for Clooney and his girlfriend, in what is now speculated to be the first incidence of reverse gay bashing in recorded history. “There was an episode, backstage, years ago,” said Tootie (her real name) in a street side interview immediately following the attempted homicide.

Coincidentally, Tootie, now a mother of 14, lives in a box on the curb of the New Jersey street in which the attempted murder took place, and came rushing out with no pants on to get some desperately needed attention when she head the terrible crash. “Well, she used to hit on him, back then. It got pretty ugly. Mrs. Garret was older n’ a bag of dusty dirt even way back then you know, but that old woman had the pulsating loins of a she-lion in serious heat—you know what I’m sayin’? And when she’d been drinking, which was always you know, she’d get aggressive. We’ll George wasn’t having any of that ole woman junk, he thought he was already too damn good for that, and she just went crazy, smashed up half the set, roaring like an animal, crazy. They finally calmed her down by convincing her that George was gay—it was easy, everybody mostly thought he was back then anyway. It took three days to calm her down enough to cart her away. He barely got away with his life.”

The show replaced her with Miss Leechman soon after, and she’s been in an hysterical coma ever since.

“Then one day last week, the new girl left the TV in Mrs Garret’s room on one of those gossip programs,” reports Lydia Cabrera, an LPN at Mrs. Garret’s nursing facility, Shady Acres of Shady Acres Assisted Living in Omaha, Nebraska. “She was warned not to– again and again!—and a story came on about Mr. Clooney and his girlfriend. Well, she started to make this low grunting, growling noise. It was the first peep out of her in almost twenty years, it scared the Jesus out of me, let me tell you! Then I listened real close, and she seemed to be saying, “Noooooot gaaaaaaaaay……noooooooot gaaaaaaaay.” Then she reached up and choked me until I passed out. She was gone when I came to.”

Police discovered among her scant few possessions what appeared to be a personal sexual device shaped in the likeness of George Clooney. According to Senior Shady Acres Administrator Mandalay Jones-Syzjymik, “I ain’t touchin’ that!” Mrs. Garret then hot-wired a car in the staff parking lot and went on a country-wide search for Clooney and his girlfriend, in what is now speculated to be the first incidence of reverse gay bashing in recorded history.

Jo, who never worked again (except that one time, something made for TV, I don’t remember either) could not be reached for comment. And Natalie was busy eating pie. Over. Jo, who never worked again (except that one time, something made for TV, I don’t remember either) could not be reached for comment. And Natalie was busy eating pie. Over.

by Adrian Ryan

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