I used to think the McDonald Triad was Ronald, the Hamburgler, and that big purple jerk, Grimace, Turns out, the McDonald Triad is actually a combination of warning signs that future serial killers display as children. Michael Vick is displaying all of these traits in adulthood.

1. “Cruelty to animals (related to “zoosadism“). Many children may be cruel to animals, such as pulling the legs off spiders, but future serial killers often kill larger animals, like dogs and cats, and frequently for their solitary enjoyment rather than to impress peers.”-Wikipedia, serial killers psychology development

Vick really needs to grow up. At least Gacy, Dahmer and BTK moved on to other things. How will Michael Vick ever advance to drowning, hanging and torturing human beings if he can’t even commit “zoosadism” (what a creepy word, it sounds like the name of the last song on a Slayer album) without getting caught?

2. Bed wetting beyond the age when children normally grow out of such behavior. –Wikipedia, serial killers psychology & development

I know what you’re thinking. How do you know Michael Vick wets his bed? I don’t think he wets his bed now but I can guarantee you he will on his first night in jail when he feels Tyler Rexenberg’s first caress (Tyler Rexenberg is a fictionalized cell mate of Vick’s that I have created for the purpose of this article. He is a 6’8’ 350 pound inbred West Virginian doing time for attempted sodomy on a mountain lion) across his neck.

3. Fire starting, or arson invariably for the thrill of destroying things, for gaining attention, or for making the perpetrator feel more powerful.-Wikipedia, serial killers, psychology and development

The Falcons season is definitely going up in flames and Vick is the lighter of the match. Maybe in a way this episode is empowering for an emotional toddler like Michael Vick.. As a football player he was flashy but impotent. Anybody can go 8-8 and have completetion percentage under fifty. In the end he didn’t display the power to change the game, or the fortunes of his team, the way so many experts thought he would.

However, when you put a female pit bull into a “rape stand” (I’m not making that up, it’s a machine Vick allegedly had on his compound, I will spare you the details of how it works) to force breeding/conception you really are calling the shots. You are the puppetmaster. When you are that in control and in charge you don’t need to memorize a playbook or master the three step drop and a tight spiral.

I know who I’m picking for my QB in my California penal league fantasy football team.

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