Attention Citizens! This is not a drill! This is not an exercise! Run, DO NOT WALK, RUN, to the nearest Emergency Exits! Rush into the streets, go home and shoot yourselves dead! Lionel Richie is having sex! Yes, LIONEL RICHIE is having SEX! Right now! At this very moment maybe! Please! Repent! The end is surely fucking nigh!

Indeed, top secret government surveillance agencies regretfully report that LIONEL RICHIE has been covertly photographed exiting a chic and very expensive sex toy shop in Los Angeles. This picture—snapped only hours ago—confirms that Mr. Richie (aka the monster who unleashed Nicole upon the world) seems to have purchased a big huge mufuggin’ bag of mysterious (but no doubt revolting and totally perverted) sex accoutrements and a middle-aged woman with really creepy bird feet.

AT THIS VERY MOMENT, Mr. “Dancing on the Ceiling” is doubtlessly enjoying having his middle-aged pooter pummeled by a brand new arsenal of big floppy donkey dildoes wielded by that strange birdy-footed woman. But experts and various hangers-on fear that should he become bored with said big floppy donkey dildoes and somehow manages to position his aroused junk near Miss Birdyfoot’s trunk in the appropriate manner, then he may accidentally beget ANOTHER form of terrible Nicole-type creature, which will clearly bring on the end of the world!

“Scientist have long realized the potential disaster that could easily arise in the event of Lionel Richie breeding again. In fact, even Biblical scholars are nervous, having long since identified Miss Richie as a sign of the Apocalypse—-‘The whore who rules over the kings of the earth and rides upon a seven-headed beast.’ Plus, Lionel Richie having sex is just plain fucking GROSS,” a totally real source totally reports.

Right now, the CIA, FBI and CDC are conspiring to react in the event of another Richie engendered pregnancy, and representatives of all three agencies have publicly expressed confidence in a focused prophylactic military response, and urge calm among the masses and support of your government officials. Personally, I suggest preemptive suicide. Is the possibility of living in a world with another Richie too much to take? Is living too big of a risk?

Indeed. Even should he not breed and bring on the end of the world, the notion of Lionel Richie fucking that’s seared now into my brain makes living too painful to bear. Suicide! It’s the only way!

by Adrian Ryan

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