The terrible and still not satisfactorily explained death of Heath Ledger (Reese Witherspoon did it with witchcraft… I’m telling you… why won’t anyone listen to me?) has left me broken and rather depressed, lying on the floor, curled up in a fetal position, in the dark, listening to The Smiths over and over and drinking whiskey straight from the bottle even more than usual lately (I clock 30 or so hours a week, easy), so we’ve missed a ton of gossipy stuff. Hang on, there. We’ve got to get through this quickly, before I throw up again…

Lenny Kravitz was once a notorious manwhore. A boyslut. A rake. But that was then. The Lenny Kravitz of now claims that he has given up, yes, the sex. Completely. My hand to God–given up sex! He says he refuses to have sex until he gets married (like a common Christian or something), and he refuses to get married to anyone at all, so, there you go. This strange state of affairs has led him to the most unfortunate position of being celibate as a neutered nun… for the last three years, at least. Which totally explains that groaning noise always coming from his crotch. And why he’s such a has been. And why nobody cares.

Poor Heath Ledger.

So then… how long does it take to regrow one’s “guy-hymen” (or “guymen”)? Only Lenny Kravitz knows for sure.

Then: Madonna (who had sex with Lenny Kravitz too, so it all ties in somehow–isn’t that neat?) has added fuel to the rumory fires that claim she has suffered (even more) plastic surgery in a desperate and valiant attempt to hold back the landslide that was her face. Apparently she was snapped hiding dark bruises around her eyes with a big pair of scary Jackie-O sunglasses, and this has fueled these lies. And they are lies, oh yes indeed, for dark bruises and swelling and dark sunglasses DO NOT mean that Madonna has had plastic surgery even one little bit… they simply mean that Guy Ritchie has been beating the shit out of her again. And who can blame him? (I ask you.) But if anyone asks, she “walked into the door again.”

Oh, Madonna! She so stupid!

Then, some actress called “Jenna Fischer” has “laughed off” so-called “reports” that she’s dating David Spade, because, well, wouldn’t you?

Lastly: Lindsay Lohan is going to publish her personal diaries which will “detail her rocky rise to fame” or something. Which, you know, explains just about everything she’s ever done. Finally. The manipulative, capitalist, media whore.

I love her.

Adrian Ryan

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