Kiefer Sutherland, who is widely considered to be among the drinkiest of the Sutherlands, has just been officially charged with something called a “DUI”. This thing “DUI” is from the Greek “Do we?” to which the answer seems to be, well, Kiefer Sutherland sure does. Glug, glug, vroom vroom…screeeeeech! And now he is in so. Much. Fricking. Trouble!

“The city attorney’s office said (it) could put him in jail for more than a year…We also charged him with a second DUI offense within 10 years, which we believe also violates the terms of his probation.”

Kiefer Sutherland in jail? All butt-rape jokes aside, this is perhaps a good time to consider the deeper implications of these events, namely…

IS KIEFER SUTHERLAND THE ANTI CHRIST?

Consider this:

The name Kiefer comes to us from the Egyptian XEPER, a verb that is represented by a stylized scarab. According to certain Satanists who shall remain nameless so they don’t kill me, “Keifer” (Xepher) is a word which “heralds the Aeon of Set, the Eternal Prince of Darkness!” Take into account that the name “Sutherland” is, of course, the last name of the mean teenage witch in that 1970’s made for TV movie Midnight Offerings about two teenage witches, a really evil one played by Little House on the Prairie’s Melissa Sue Anderson (the blind sister! I KNOW!) and a good one played by one of the whiney sisters from Eight is Enough, and they use their unholy powers against each other in shop class to battle over blond boyfriends with telekinetically hurled hammers, and, well, there’s your answer. To the question. Is Kiefer Sutherland the antichrist? And that answer is no. He’s just stupid drunk.

Tom Cruise is the antichrist.

In a completely unrelated story: Tom Cruise is reportedly building a ten-million dollar alien busting super bunker in his Colorado home to protect his “family” (of aliens) from the imminent return of their dark overlord, Xenu. No one is really much surprised at this point.

By Adrian Ryan

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