Well, Jodie Foster is a dyke, isn’t she? Of course she is. You know this. I know this. The blind protean scum on the bottom of the boots of aliens from Pluto knows this. Its whatcha might call “common knowledge”, and, let’s face it, we’ve all discussed it openly, at length, at one point or another. Now haven’t we? Of course we have. And by “we”, I mean everybody on earth except Jodie fricking lesbot Foster. But not anymore. Now she just can’t shut up about being a lesbian. Sort of. Behold:

“In a surprising and moving speech on Tuesday, Jodie Foster, 45, thanked “my beautiful Cydney who sticks with me through all the rotten and the bliss” when she accepted the Sherry Lansing Leadership Award at the 16th annual Women in Entertainment Power 100 breakfast.”

Then she reportedly made a really lewd gesture with her tongue and two fingers, hopped on her Harley, and road that bitch outta town. Believe it.

All that really happened. Except for the Jodie Foster finally coming out of the closet thing, which might have only happened in my imagination. Thank you.

Or did it?

No. Yes. No.

Yes.

No.

Then, suddenly, without warning: Ike Turner, legendary wife beater and the second or third of many men who failed to shut Tina Turner up is dead. The former Mrs. Turner was laughing uncontrollably in a rather scary way and was unavailable for comment. The Devil, however, who was gloating over his soul, said, “Why, yes. We have been waiting for Ike for quite some time indeed, and all of us down here look forward to having him as a member of our team.” He was 104 years old.

Lastly: Jodie Foster is a lesbian. But I think I might have already mentioned that. In that case, in other news: water is wet and the sky is blue. Please try not to panic, or act too surprised. Thank you. 

Adrian Ryan

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