The sensational trial of Jenny Craig for the brutal homicide of fat actress Kirstie Alley got off to a dramatic and pointless start today, as a confused and wild-eyed Miss Craig kept interrupting the proceedings with random uncontrolled outbursts. She was ordered removed from the courtroom less than 15 seconds into the proceedings.

“Yeah, I killed it! I killed the fat little piggy! So what? I’d kill it again, too! Do you hear me? You….you saw her THIGHS, right? They were like big ham hocks—filthy fat blue-ribbon ham hocks! And that huge ASS! Yes, and I slaughtered her…like the oink oink piggy she was! OINK OINK OINK! Dead piggy! DEAD PIGGY! Bwhahahahahahaha!”

Her lawyers entered a plea of Not Guilty, citing temporary insanity caused by “Fat Panic,” moments after she was carted away by security officers.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, what you have just seen here was nothing less than a manifestation of “Fat Panic’. “Fat Panic” is real. It is deadly. It is a disease. It’s clear that Miss Craig is the real victim here,” said her lawyer.

But the Prosecutor had something to say about that, “That bitch is just fucking crazy.”

The “Fat Panic” defense has been used successfully before, in a near fatal assault on Dom Delouise by Dr. Atkins in 1994.

The trial is expected to last as long as the ratings hold up.

In Related News: Kirstie Alley was buried last week across fourteen acres deep in the Canadian wilderness. It took the Canadian Military working in conjunction with the American Army Core of Engineers sixteen months to dig the grave. Four men died in the in the process.

By Adrian Ryan

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