Every media outlet in the world, my sister tells me, has announced that Jennifer Aniston is the new spokesperson for SmartWater. Which is much like announcing that Tommy Lee is the new spokesperson for Babysitters Inc.

Glaceau, who manufactures SmartWater, says on their website that “before now, the only way to get truly pure water was to catch a raindrop from a cloud. But since clouds are hard to reach…a lot of water we drink comes from the ground and contains random stuff and whatever else the animals that swim in it leave behind. That’s why we copied our little white puffy friends by vapor distilling smartwater. We then one-upped the clouds by adding key electrolytes to keep you hydrated…thus creating smartwater.”

So basically, Glaceau filters some water, adds some whatever, then hires Jennifer Aniston to convince us that the water doesn’t contain ox hair or goat blood.

Fine by me. As long as Jennifer says it’s true, I’m sold. Because you can’t fantasize about titty-fucking a cloud. Well, I can, but that’s only because my cock is made of airplanes.

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