Listen! LISTEN! I command you! By the pink freckly nipples of Lindsay Lohan! I COMMAND YOU!

This is IMPORTANT!

Oh, wait. No. It isn’t. It’s just Britney fricking Spears…and she’s flashing….her…revolting…lunchmeat-like…labia…lips…AGAIN.

And of course it was all caught on film, like always, commemorated in celluloid forever for all future generations to enjoy.

I am so totally over this shit. Isn’t everyone?

Elsewhere: Bobby Brown is in court facing serious charges for something. Does it matter for what? Don’t be absurd. Of course not. But it’s cocaine anyway. Don’t tell him I told you.

I owe him twenty bucks. He wants to kick my ass as it is.

Have I ever told you that I actually know these people? Bobby Brown? Whitney? Their kids? Their parents? Don’t ask. Long story. And it involves luggage. And might be a lie anyway.

And like the old Ukrainian proverb says, “A story that begins with Whitney Houston’s luggage will end with disaster,” so it’s best we just let the issue drop. Thank you for understanding.

Anyhoozits: Pink just got divorced. I didn’t know she was married. Huh.

Speaking of remembering: You may remember Minnie Driver as that one English chick from that stupid movie you never saw. Well, she’s pregnant. How’s about that.

Ah. Sunrise, sunset. Or whatever.

And lastly (you’re welcome), like the other Old Ukrainian proverb says, “A tale that begins with a vagina will end with Jane Fonda”: Jane Fonda publicly apologized today for her accidental use of the word “C%NT!!!!” on live television by presenting a 25 minute slide show of the personal evolution of her own “c&nt” through the ages (from moist muffin with a smart Hitler moustache to fossilized mango with janky gray hairs) with an “empowering poetic accompaniment” of a lyrical hip-hop performance piece entitled “Yo, Yo, Ode to Mrs. Whiskers.” She hopes to inspire the world to “Just grow up and embrace the vagina and the plethora of beautiful words we have for it. God bless my Jai-jai!” Then she and Oprah French kissed. Paula Cole shed a tear. The end.

All of this totally happened.

Adrian Ryan

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