I am totally keeping my promise to not talk about Britney Spears, so just calm down. I’m going to talk about Britney Spears’ little sister, Whatserface Spears. (I refuse to commit her name to memory. I’m sure you understand.) And yes, she seems to have one, because everybody’s talking about her, and what they are saying is that Britney’s little sister, very much like her big sister Britney, is now quite famous… famous for being a retarded slut (bless her heart).

And no, I’m not being the least bit rude, hush your mouth: celebro-linguisits have officially declared that from this moment forward the word “Spears”, which for centuries meant nothing more than “more than one spear”, is now synonamous with the phrase “totally stupid pregnant whore”, and can be used interchangably.

An example: “Jesus! Look at the rack on THAT filthy Spears,” or “My mom was a Spears, so I never had a propper Christmas”. And why? Because Britney Spears’ little sister is 16 years old and pregnant as a spring pig. Even pregnanter.

Although 16 years old is considered an old maid waaaaaay down wherever it is that the Spears women come from, experts are horrified at what more random Spears DNA floating around out there will potentially do to the collective national IQ, which is already hovering around 68.

In other fat asses: Jennifer Love Hewitt and her enormous flabby butt have turned down a shitload of money to pose, totally naked and really rather nude, for something called “Playboy”. The trillions of trees that would have been sacrificed to make a page big enough to fit all of her celulite were, understandably, tremendously relieved.

Lastly: Matthew McConaughey, who is kind of a big douche, put a big gaping gash in his pretty boy face, and now he’s ugly, just like everyone else. The report:

“Matthew McConaughey has been left “dazed and confused” after he cut his face while training for an upcoming film role. The 38-year-old required stitches following the incident, which occurred while he was getting in top physical condition for his part in the comedy “The Grackle.” According to his representative, McConaughey was in the middle of “Ultimate Fighting Championship training” when he sustained his injury.”

Bless his heart.

Adrian Ryan

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