I think it is safe to say that Ike Turner will never smack the shit out of Tina Turner ever again, much as he might like to, as the inevitable course and relentless flow of time has seen fit at this juncture to deprive him of fists. And arms. And a body altogether. Because he’s dead—like every fricking body else around here. (I told you! Christmas equals death! Hide under the bed with a shotgun until the whole wretched thing is all over, that’s my advice.) When reached for comment, Tina Turner said, “No comment”, which wasn’t very illuminating at all, frankly.

Or was it?

In ever more impending doom: It has been reported that Liza Minelli, who is most famous for Arthur (my 126^th favorite movie ever, after Pee Wee’s Big Adventure), pills, more pills, Judi Garland, marrying waxy homosexuals, and pills has collapsed rather melodramatically “on stage” (as they say) during a “performance” (as SHE says) somewhere in Sweden, which is neutral and beside the point, but the fact is she didn’t pass out “on stage” at all, technically, he passed out RIGHT OFF the stage, falling several feet and crashing to the ground like a glass pelican. She was immediately rushed back to the United States, which apparently is the remedy for such a situation. The pills, when reached for comment, said, “Oh, poor Judy! If she dies…I just don’t know WHAT we’re gonna do! Retire I guess.” But that’s pills for you. Always thinking of themselves.

And then, in brighter news that has really made my fucking year: John Mayer, my new boyfriend, has been rejected by the stormy waters of Ricki Lake, who has refused and rebuffed those horrible rumors that she and John Mayer are two little lovers sitting in a tree—thank you sweet baby Jesus. She says:

“I met him at a party. He admitted he had a crush and I admitted, hey, vice versa. That was it. I wish there was actually something to tell. There was nothing. “He was adorable. Nice,” Lake told the PEOPLE reporter. “[But] I’ve been more intimate with you than I was with him.”

Maybe Christmas isn’t so bad after all.

Adrian Ryan

Share It!