Prince, who is very weird, has been very weird a very long time apparently, because he’s old suddenly. So old, in fact, that he fell down, and he couldn’t get fun-kay. So he wheeled his weird and aged ass to geriatric services, and had his poor creaky old hip replaced. Now he’s recouping, and drinking lots of fluids. (Which is always important.) When reached for comment, Diamond said, “Well, it’s about time, he’s stubborn as a mule!” and Pearl said, “Heh? What’s that? I can’t hear a damn thing, the battery in my aid is low…WHAT?”

Elsewhere: Michael Jackson is not so very old (for a tree), and neither are those poor souls that he pursues romantically, har har. (Pricilla Presley was younger than him, and so was that maid chick that had his kids, I think. What did YOU think I was talking about? Little boys?) Indeed, he has some fight in him yet—and he’s fighting to save his notorious Neverland Ranch, where nothing felonious happened, thank you. The evil tax man wants to auction it. But Michael has rallied all his hellish forces to combat the auction, and apparently the best strategy they could come up with was…a loan. So he signed for a big ass mutha’ of a loan—which he will no doubt just heap upon the other bazillions of dollars worth of loans he’s taken out in desperate attempts to save his wicked existence. This one is for $24.5 million. Which is a bargain, considering what his dates cost him. In court costs mostly, but the Jesus juice bills can add up too.

Ouch.

In other wretched fossils: Boy George. Time has not been kind to him. He was never what you’d call attractive, unless you were from the mossy crags of Pluto, but today he is less human more than he is the illegitimate lovechild of Dame Edna and a giant flesh-eating maggot. Be that as it may, he wants you to understand that he is a decidedly Not Guilty flesh eating maggot. And so he has pleaded not guilty to charges of false imprisonment charges, for those charming allegations that he kidnapped a man-whore and chained him to the wall. But you know he did it. Probably. Maybe.

Definitely.

Lastly: Naomi Campbell was hospitalized in Sao Paulo for the removal of a small cyst. Normally, the cyst would not have required an operation, but she exacerbated the situation considerably by trying to beat it out herself with her cell phone.

Adrian Ryan

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