Um. Really. I just don’t know what to say. Except, “Why, God! Why is there no justice in this world! Why can’t the children roam safe and free! WHY!?” maybe. Look:  

“Pop superstar MICHAEL JACKSON has vowed to “surprise” his loyal fans with a host of celebrity collaborations on the remake of his hit album THRILLER. The singer will release a 25th anniversary edition of the 1982 LP later this year. And Jackson has promised a number of big names will feature on the release. He says, “I’m coming back. And I’ve got a very special treat for all of my fans. “I have been recording Thriller: 25th Anniversary, with a lot of surprise guests.”  

Surprise guests! Like no 12 year old boys!  

Yeah, that’s be a surprise. A big mother fuggin surprise.  

Elsewhile: The world went totally insane today as some agency that I’ve never heard of announced that it shall, in all seriousness, award Britney Spears their Best New Album of the Year Award. This, of course, is pointless, as at this point she thinks she’s a lemon. (And where is Madonna in all this? I ask you.) Experts agree that it is all probably just some mad scheme Paris Hilton cooked up to get Britney alone on stage to accept the phony award so she and her pals can dump a bucket of pig’s blood on her head so she’ll snap and make everyone explode with her hellish telekinetic powers. But I think that’s a little too original for Paris Hilton. Who has “man feet”. Or so her uncle says. No kidding. Man feet.  

Um…and how does HE know, exactly? Exactly.  

And Madonna has her own problems. Believe it.  

Anyhoo. 

Adrian Ryan

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