Against the valiant efforts of desperate Catholic Priests, a handful of nervous Jews, a few renegade Anabaptists and at least one gay hippie Wiccan douche bag, Elizabeth Hasselbeck gave birth. And the sun became as sack cloth and the rivers ran red with blood. Reuters reports:

“We chased her everywhere—to every corner of the globe—dodging the devil’s minions and thwarting certain doom, trying to slit her throat with the sacred knives before she could bring another creature…like…her…into God’s world. But we failed! We failed! Oh sweet merciful Jesus forgive me! Forgive us all!” said one of the exorcists. Then he started clawing his own eyes with his fingernails and his head exploded like a giant pimple. 

To celebrate the birth, which is being heralded as a tremendous victory for the powers of evil, birds fell from the sky, the seas boiled, Satan, Prince of Darkness, arranged a massive oil spill in the San Francisco Bay and Jesus wept.  President Bush, who was invented by hell expressly to ready the world for Hasselbeck Jr., began weeping tears of fetid blood and howling and wailing in an insane and soul-chilling way that no creature of good ever possibly could. Then he screamed “It’s all for YOU!” and jumped from the topmost window of the Whitehouse, cracking his head open like a rotten egg.

Don’t get too excited, I made that last part there up. (A boy can dream, can’t he?) The rest is true though. Every word. Including the fetid tears of blood. I swear.

In other news: Doctors confirm that Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s prissy little vagina was ripped to useless shreds of throbbing meat by the vicious fangs and talons if the hell beast that just chewed and clawed it’s way out of her, and experts speculate that her husband will lose interest in her, like, ten minutes ago. And who can blame him? I ask you. 

Adrian Ryan

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