She once snorted various thises and thats from their filthy, filthy rims. And, let us speak frankly; such intimacy with a toilet is always rather shocking. So what does Lindsay Lohan—very much a toilet herself—have to say about her good friend Mr. Crapper now that the new rehab she’s trapped in somewhere deep within the wastes of Utah forces her to scrub the damn things every day?

Speaks The Lohan:

“Scrubbing toilets has been a huge blessing in my life. I’m so glad my new rehab forces me to do it. It brings my troubled heart such peace! Much better than crack or all that dick I was always sucking on. I think if everyone were forced to scrub toilets in rehab, there would be peace in Iraq. And I get down on my knees every day–as usual, of course—but now when I’m down there I’m praising God that He has blessed me with rancid rehab toilets to scrub (and lots of smack addicts to skank them up with—-once the horse wears off they all come down with wicked cases of the brown blasts) to help heal my tragic, fractured soul.”

Astonishing. But true?

“That crazy she-bitch takes to feces and hard-water stains like a shithouse maggot,” exclaims an alleged source. “I’ve never seen anything like it! She dives right in—up to her elbows sometimes—and she hardly gags or anything. Of course it is widely understood that Lindsay Lohan has no gag reflex. But still. And pubic hair on the rim? Bring it on! That girl has faced down snarky pubes that would give Hell’s high school janitor screaming nightmares! The way that girl goes to town with a bowlbrush—well sir, it’s a beautiful thing. Talk about your scrubbing action! And DISHES! Don’t even get me started on how great she is with DISHES!”

We won’t.

“I’m half a person, you see,” Lindsay explains maybe.

“Fame has destroyed me. Perhaps other people’s shit and puke and pee stains can fill my big empty hole. Not the one in my head or between my legs—the one deep, deep inside the other deep, deep hole deep inside me. Also, toilet scrubbing is a promising new way to feed myself that doesn’t involve AMYWAY or hardcore German scat films once the bottom totally drops out of my career. Or once MY bottom totally drops out. Same difference really. Whatever.”

Whatever, indeed. Wait for it….

by Adrian Ryan

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