Elton John, who insists on being called “Sir” no matter how fancy his fancy pants get,  has defended his honor fiercely against the horrid accusations of some even prissier and easily offended European types that he is a nothing but a filthy, foppy child pornographer. According to the accusations, Elton donated an allegedly naughty, naughty photograph of two frolicking pre-pubescents to an art exhibition, but he insists, dammit, that the image is a true nose above board and hands above sheets object d’arte, and it has already been featured in countless prominent galleries across the globe to prove it. These include including The Michael Jackson Jesus Juice Gallery, The Paula Poundstone Memorial Musee, and the House of Pancakes where NAMBLA hangs out for coffee after meetings. So there.

Elsewhere: Angelina Jolie, the richest and most generous waterbed-lipped tooth fairy in the world, now desperately regrets spoiling her first son Maddox by slipping huge sums of money under his pillow in exchange for his lost baby teeth. “Most children get a quarter, or a dollar. Five, max. But Maddox? He was getting fifties,” reports a source so sourcey it can’t be sourced. “The kids at school began knocking his teeth out, and then beating him up again the next day, for the money. He was like the ATM for the entire First Grade. But when he ran out of teeth, well…the little bastards took his kidneys! I don’t know how, they’re just kids, but I’ve heard that the organs have been sold on the Chinese black market. Maddox woke up from his daily nap in a bathtub full of ice, and the words “Call 9-11 or you’ll die” were written in crayon on the mirror.” True story.

Actress Salma Hayek has slammed reports that she’s getting really fat by having a baby. And speaking of babies, some crazy racist has threatened to kill Halle Berry’s newborn for some strange “race-related” reason, which doesn’t make one God damn bit of any sense at all, considering Cat Woman (now THERE’s something to hurt somebody over) and the fact that Halle Berry is the whitest woman in Hollywood, now that Michael Jackson has flown the chicken coop. Over. 

By Adrian Ryan

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