Today is the memorable and much anticipated day that Kiefer Sutherland has been dreading since he was a cute heavy metal vampire trying to kill Cory Feldman and Cory Haim (and who can blame him? Really?). Longer maybe. Or maybe much shorter. Like, since his arrest and subsequent charging with a dreadful DUI, which wasn’t all that long ago, but which has landed him squarely in jail just today, and for the next 48 days, respectively.

This of course means that Kiefer will be locked up for the duration of Christmas, Chanukah or whatever (is he Jewish? Most famous people are a little Jewish), New Years, almost Ground Hog’s Day (I’m not quite sure when that is), and possibly this thing called the “writer’s strike” (writers get PAID?!), and he will spend each and every one of these holidays washing felons underwear and doing their dishes, dodging their homemade shanks and insistent penises and not sucking alcohol through every orifice in his body and then crashing into things, as is his usual holiday tradition.  

Then! Yesterday, on Ellen (remember her? The talking fish? Right,) welp, guess who she had on? Right. Jenna Bush. And guess what she got her to do? Right, phone home. Like ET, but with fascist parents. But Ellen totally dropped the proverbial balls.

The official report:

“Ellen didn’t scream at him, or vilify him, or call him a filthy lying bastard; she didn’t make a peep about Iraq or Iran or scream, “Hey, you fucking professional bigot fascist turd! Your daughter’s sitting here with a big old LESBO, whatcha think about that, daddy? And I think I’ll just reach over here and give her booby a nice squeeze” and start making lewd gestures with her tongue and two fingers or ANYTHING. She just sat there, all nice and smiley and Ellen, completely ignoring the fact that the retard on the other end of the phone RUINED THE WORLD.” 

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Adrian Ryan

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