Doctor Phil is, let’s face it, SUCH a complete and total douche bag.

Now please understand: I have never labored under any illusions on the subject. Of Dr. Phil’s douche-bagginess. I am a wicked judge of character, you see. I was right about Rosie O’Donnell, even way back in the late eighties, when she had everyone fooled that she was a “nice person”, for example. I even started the whole Britney ball rolling if you can believe it… I was first to break the shocking story that she was a secret chain smoker, was back in the day when such things were actually shocking. (Yes, 1692). I knew she wasn’t any innocent sweetheart. And I was 100% right about George Bush. Both times, thank you very much. And all I had to do was take one good hard look at Dr. Phil, and every cell in my body screamed “Check it OUT! That is one huuuuuge DOUCHE BAG!” And, frankly, I don’t give a candied turd WHAT Oprah says about the guy.

Are you listening, Barrack Obabma? I hope so.

Anyway…the big douche bag. Dr. Phil. As I was saying: just as I suspected, just as I knew, way down deep inside somehow, by instinct almost, Dr. Phil’s faux-heroic appearance at the hospital bedside of Britney Spears after her massive breakdown earlier this week was nothing but a filthy publicity stunt… a cheap and vulgar grab for attention.

According to sources so sourcey, I’d source ‘em myself if I had half a chance, the carrion glutted vulture that is Dr. Phil was neither wanted nor legitimately invited to intervene on Britney’s behalf when he crashed Cedar Sinai and started haranguing her in her sick bed… which he did, much to Britney’s obvious consternation.

There are blaring discrepancies in the official Dr. fricking Phil side of the story and what Britney’s beleaguered peeps are saying, notable among them, these: Phil says he “Spoke with her for an hour”, Spears claims he barked tired Dr. Philisms at her as she packed for 15 minutes. Phil says “They walked out of the hospital together”. Spears claims she walked out alone. And she’s not happy about Phil’s visit.

“Phil tried speaking with Spears for about 15 minutes… not an hour as Dr. Phil’s press release states… but she wanted none of it. We’re told Phil was doing almost all the talking. As for walking with her to the car on her way out… again, as his release states… we’re told if he was walking behind her, that’s news to her. She absolutely was not accompanied by him.”

And now rumors are circulating that Britney’s so-called “mom” and “dad” are scheduled to appear on The Dr. fricking Phil Show to discuss “the Britney problem”, thus proving their ineptitude as human beings in general and parents in particular and their total retardation, and sealing the lid on her coffin once and for all.

God forgive us all.

Adrian Ryan

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