Do you wanna hear a rumor about a celebrity that is totally true? Are you sure? Awesome. Rob Reiner picks up migrant workers from the Home Depot parking lot and pays then to choke him in his shower. 100% true story.  

Isn’t that an absolutely fascinating complete fact?  

Most complete facts are. Like this one:  The Grammys are on as I type this. My television, however, is off. You can deduce from these factors one of two things, and they go like this, a) that I am sitting in the Grammy audience, typing this on a laptop I guess, or, b) I’m not watching the damn things at all.  And if you picked answer “a”, well, you’re retarded. That’s what you are.

I haven’t gone to the damn Grammys since 2002, when Usher puked on my shoes. Since then, I’ve ignored the Grammy’s completely (whether or not that actually happened–which it possibly might have).   But I ignore this year’s Grammys most completely and especially, despite all of the drama that is sure to ensue. Such as? Well.

Will Amy Winehouse be let into the country to perform–or did she flunk her pee test again (and did her pee eat through the plastic cup, the doctors hand, the floor, the topsoil, the bedrock, and is at this moment on a collision course with China? It’d  serve China right, sending us all those damn children’s toys chock full of lead. I’m just saying), and/or will Michael Jackson dare to not show his face?  

I wonder. But not really.  

Because something much sadder, and much more important has happened, and it is the tragic death of that guy who played the brave, grizzled, chain-smoking police chief that gets bitten in half in Jaws. For all we know he got bitten in half in real life, for the coroner has not released his cause of death, although being 75 will often do one in all on its own. Which he was. Poor old sumbitch. Bitten in half by that toothy old sea bitch, time.  

R.I.P. 

Adrian Ryan

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