We’ve got a lot to cover. Stay sharp. This could get messy. How messy? Well. Courtney Love messy, and baby, that’s a disaster.

So then, Courtney Love, who did not murder Kurt Cobain, goddammit, now please just drop it, has been plagued by…no, not piles and heaps of illicit drugs, no, not devastating collagen injections to her lips that make her look like she’s eating a rancid cow liver, no, not tortured dreams of the shade of Kurt Cobain wailing for revenge from beyond the grave…well, yes, by those things too, but also by imaginary burglars with a hankering for expensive earbobs. The full and official “shiznit”:

“Courtney Love is “devastated” after a pair of $100,000 pink diamond earrings was stolen from her New York hotel room on Wednesday. According to a source: “She had brought the earrings for Frances as her Christmas present. Frances hadn’t even tried them on yet”…But hours after New York police launched an investigation into the incident on Thursday morning, the diamond earrings mysteriously reappeared.”

Mysteriously reappeared, indeed. It turns out they were hiding under the talking unicorn that tells her to “Kill the pigs!” the entire time. Silly, silly Courtney.

Other sources report that Leonardo DiCaprio (AKA the fat woman of the sea) and some Hebrew hoochie called Bar Rafaeli are “dating”, completely ignoring the fact that he’s a big h-mo, and who the hell his paying attention to Leonardo DiCaprio these days anyway? How dreadfully last century.

Apparently there have been horrible rumors that the former and very bitter Mrs. Brad Pitt (AKA Jennifer Anniston, who, or so the old-timers tell it, was on something called “Friends”? I have no clue…) is pregnant somehow, but she smashed all of those rumors to bits by getting shitfaced drunk. Which, if you ask me, doesn’t really tell you that she’s not really pregnant, just that she’s a dr unk. “Sources” and their foolish assumptions. I say keep on the look out for little “Fetal Alcohol Syndrome” Anniston to be born in, say, 7-ish months or so.

No wonder Brad dumped her. The child-endangering drunk.

Adrian Ryan

Share It!