Recent communications have been received from abroad that seem to indicate that Courtney Love and her new water bed lips are apparently dating and/or kanoodling (whatever the fuck that means—honestly, do you think Courtney Love kannodles? Maybe all over the floor when she’s drunk—which is always) with world famous British drug addict/walking open sore Pete Doughtery.

The pair were photographed touching, trying to smile at each other through bulbous collagen lips, and straining to keep their red, piggy eyes open long enough to look longingly at each other.

“It’s kind of like watching two fetal, hairless newborn rabbits lick the blood and placenta off of each other,” according to a leading expert on the behaviors and rituals of famous drug addicts in love. “It’s stomach turning, but also kind of sweet—in a way that makes you want to kill yourself.”

Sweet or not, NORAD has declared DEFCON 1.

“We think they are too toxic to actually breed—but their combined sexual fluids,” according to Lieutenant Colnl. Mitzhach Brody. “If unleashed, they could burn a hole right though the earth’s crust and finally reach groundwater, where it could poison and destroy all life on the planet. Or maybe it would just make a really awesome liquid drain declogger. Either way, if they get too close to each other, we’re prepared to respond with a full nuclear strike.”

“We’ll just have to wait and see.”

In a possibly unrelated story: European smack dealers have reported a record spike in total sales revenues for the month.

by Adrian Ryan

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