Just days after a drunken Paris Hilton grabbed some microphone somewhere and screamed, “Shhhh….shhhh….everybody, everybody, everybody…. I know you all think she’s just nothing but a vapid skeezy slutbag, but—NO LISTEN!— but I want everybody to know that my very very very very good friend Christina Aga-me-larima (hic!) has a bun in her skeezy slutbag oven….that’s right, she’s PREGERNANT! Isn’t’ that awesome, beyotches? HOT! (hic!)”, and then vomited blood and sperm all over herself and passed out, a simple pee-pee test has officially confirmed that Christina Aguilera is indeed pregnant. But already medical professionals fear the worst.

“This puts Christina as the latest in a long line of rich anorexic bitches who have recently been knocked up, in a fad that’s sweeping the nation like a Hoover,” said Dr. Wilmer Wankenstaagen of the CDC. “Which is a vacuum cleaner, of course, but sill. And it’s a serious problem.”

Although it might seem obvious that this “problem” lies in unleashing another little Aguilera, Hilton (God forbid) or Richie upon the undeserving universe, you’re right. But experts also seem fear for the fetuses. Feti. Whatever.

“On average, each of these newly pregnant skeezes net roughly ten to twenty-four sex partners per hour, excluding weekends, when that number triples. Each of them in turn carry roughly 127.9 sexually transmitted diseases, from simple Chlamydia to the rare and disgusting Poingo-Poingo-Bop of the Pygmies, which causes the vagina to hack up scab-like hairballs once an hour. Couple that with general “RST”—or “Rough Sex Trauma”—and you get a very serious condition called the Brillokootchen Syndrome. Natural birth becomes impossible. The walls of the vagina become so encrusted with open sores, jagged, stalactite-like scar tissue, festering wounds and scabs, it would be like forcing the baby through a tight tube made of steel wool, razor blades, and various flesh-eating worms. It would shuck the poor little thing like an oyster. At the very least.”

It’s a well known fact that Paris Hilton has to pick the scab to pee.

“We’ve seen the problem before, naturally. Usually in the lower caste of Victorian street whores. But we’ve never seen the problem in these numbers.”

But that’s not the worst of it.

“And, of course,” he continues, “the Anorexia renders a C-section impossible. One slice would cut any of these girls quite in half. And specific conditions complicate matters significantly. Take Nicole Richie. In her case, vaginal geologists have mapped over ten thousand miles of dank and complex “vaginal tunnels” throughout her sexual and reproductive organs. If the fetus can’t be extracted from the body cavity, it might become trapped, and be forced to live out its life INSIDE the mother—- wandering the dark dank caverns of her vagina, forever.”

Experts have consulted with other experts, and they all agree that the situation is grim.

“Our only option in the case of a non-birth situation would be to extract the horrible baby-man thing from the vaginal tunnels using advanced techniques used to save trapped miners, which, of course, never work.”

If the any of these poor doomed babies do become trapped inside their mothers, unable to be born, will they go insane and develop their own gay clicking language, like Jodie Foster did in that stupid movie no one remembers? And if they ever escape, will he or she be able to adjust to outer-vaginal life among we “normals”? “At this juncture, speculation is pointless.”

Yes it is Dr. Wankenstaagen. Yes it is.

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