Here’s the first reason you should be outraged and appalled: So there is supposedly this “professional comedienne”, you might say, and she calls herself “Chelsea Handler”. As in “the person who handles the Chelsea”, as if the damn Chelsea needed any more handling than it already gets. (I’ve never heard of her either.) And there is this cra-ZAZY rumor floating around out there that she is “funny”—or, as we’re about to discover, she is about as funny as a clambake with the Ku Klux Klan featuring special guest Hitler.

Observe you this:

“(Chelsea) was approached by two cameramen — one Chinese, the other African-American (or “black”). Chelsea remarked TO THEIR FACES for God’s sake that it was “crazy that you guys all travel together, Asians and Blacks. That’s amazing,” and then paused for the laugh.

Deafening. Silence.

But she quickly pulled her ass out of the fire and saved the terrible situation by immediately referring to the Chinese photographer as from, and darling I quote, “Vietcong-nam.” When it was then tactfully pointed out to the I’m not saying she a racist bitch racist bitch that the poor slanty fellow was, in fact, Chinese (the slantiest slants of them all, if you please), Chelsea dithered an unconcerned, “Whatever,” to the night air, and flitted off to chase butterflies or something.

Here’s the second reason you should be outraged and appalled: There is this rumor, you see, that Britney Spears, that most consummate of mothers, almost Jolie-Pitt-like in her philanthropic zing, is in the market (the BLACK market) to buy herself a nice set of Chinese twins. This of course would be complicated by the recent massive recall of Chinese twins due to their incredibly high content of lead paint.

Here is the third reason yadda, yadda: Apparently there is the show called “Lost”, you see, (I shot my TV ages ago—the fucking thing was watching me back), and this “show” has a “star” called “Daniel Dae Kim”, which starts out all American, then goes right into the rice pot. Welp, Mr. Kim entered a plea of not guilty to a drunken driving charge Friday, complaining that it was his squinty little eyes that caused him to run over those hookers, not alcohol, and also that everyone knows Asians are just sucky drivers. Then he made some noodles.

Then: If I had know that Jonathan Rhys Meyers’ poor mother had just died, I never would have gone on-and-on about how freaky he looks or have been so mean about that whole getting arrested at the airport thing, and now I feel really bad, so just lay off me right now, I’m a little sensitive about it, okay? Also, none of these people are Asian. So. You know what that means. Right. Nothing.

And I can make fun of Asians if I want. I was one, in college.

Adrian Ryan

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