There’s a lot of ground to cover: let’s dive right in. I hope you’ve peed already. We’re not stopping.

Please God, forgive me.

Litigations, stiff sentences and formal charges are all the rage for the drunk and criminally minded celebrity this season, with oodles of the biggest and blurriest getting busted and getting sued, sued, SUED!

Let’s begin with everybody’s 127th favorite Hollywood alcoholic, Keifer Sutherland, who has landed his fuzzy blond butt behind the proverbial bars in reward for his world-class collection of DUIs! Some official looking representative type person released this official statement:

“Today our friend Kiefer Sutherland resolved his criminal case at the earliest opportunity. Kiefer made clear to us at the time of his arrest that his first concern was the welfare of those he worked with and that he intended to do whatever was necessary to prevent shutting down the show because of his situation.”

By this, of course, he means, “Today our friend Kiefer has booked a thirty-day vacation in the cement penthouse because he’s a retarded drunk and a danger to humanity at large and most living things in general, and, oh, shit, what if he never works again? How will he feed all of his secret bastard children, of which I am one? Fucking drunk!”

Moving along.

Next we have lovely and lost Michelle Rodriguez who scored 120 days in custody for a delightful variety of crimes, including but not limited to a sloppy DUI, a hit and run, and being a famous Mexican. According to prosecutors, she repeatedly violated the terms of her probation. But that’s Mexican’s for you.

Hurry! Build the wall!

Then we come to Sean “P-whatever” Combs, getting his diddy ass sued for allegedly ordering three of his meaty cheesy goons to go lunch all over some poor unsuspecting fan’s ass. One goon punched the rather startled fan in the face and pushed him onto a table, as the other two joined in and gaily kicked and beat him, in an unforgettable evening of innocent ass-kicking that could potentially cost him $4 million. Stunning!

After that we have Ryan Philippe and Reese Witherspoon, whose divorce was just officially declared final, and although that’s not exactly the same as going to jail for three months or beating the crap out of hapless admirers, it still involved lawyers and probably involved violence at some point, so it remains thematic. So. Go suck a shoe.

Next, it’s everybody’s favorite talking car driver, David Hasselhoff, as he is admitted to the “hospital” for alcohol poisoning (read: chained to a wall in a rehab after a binge that would have killed a real person).

And lastly, Britney the fuck Spears. And why not? I ask you. A source so secret it doesn’t even know who it is reports that Britney Spears used to kick the living crap out of Kevin Federline. Why Kevin Federline’s crap is living is a moot point, and truly beyond the scope of this work. Thank you.

by Adrian Ryan

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